When I say I don’t need a partner, I’m absolutely glorifying singleness. As a single mom in my late 30s, the level of peace and wholeness I’ve unlocked being celibate has revealed the clearest picture of what I desire in a partner. Through my celibacy journey, I feel free, open, and optimistic about relationships.

The best way to break down what I’ve learned over the past 5 years as a celibate single mom is first, by unpacking why celibacy was important, and then examining what each year revealed about myself and what I desire in a partner.

Why Celibacy…

Mainly, the thought of sex, well men in general, triggered my PTSD for a number of reasons. I had just separated from my ex and moved my 8-year-old and 2-month-old into a two-bedroom apartment. So, managing healing mentally and physically along with single motherhood, celibacy just happened. During this time, my faith and relationship with God deepened because, friends, this point in my life was truly rock bottom. As my spirituality grew, I became more connected to cementing celibacy as a permanent fixture in my singleness journey.

For years, I had no desire to date. When I finally started dating, it was super awkward, and the dating landscape felt like the wild wild west. Casual relationships apparently were the vibe, and apps were abysmal in my experience. The lack of substance, like 'wyd,' 'morning beautiful,' 'what’s your Instagram,' and the layers upon layers needed to truly get to know someone, were exhausting. Talk about the icks! All signs validated celibacy in my case. It was the anchor I needed to access who I was, who I wanted to become, and realistically, what I wanted for my family moving forward in relation to a partner.

The years before committing 100% to celibacy…

Lumping these years together for the sake of brevity, but my decision to become a single mom was a choice, and I honor that decision every day for how brave it was in my circumstances. But in all honesty, taking on single motherhood with a newborn and pre-teen was the most sobering experience of my life. My mental health deteriorated, and to this day, I’m grateful my faith carried me because there's no way I could have managed motherhood during this time on my strength alone. These years were a masterclass in understanding how far I could be stretched and how deeply important it is for my kids and me to have a healthy and nurturing home environment. Coming out of those years, I learned that it’s incredibly important for my future partner to be rooted in family and have aligned views on maintaining a loving and present home life.

Year 1…

After failed attempts at dating and struggling with basic conversations, I deleted all dating apps and basically gave up. The hardest pill to swallow was realizing I had no idea who I was or who I wanted to be as a partner, and it showed because I felt super awkward all the time trying to date. Quite honestly, it really had nothing to do with apps or the dating climate, although to this day I’m not a fan. The challenge in year one was that I had been single for a while and living in survival mode. I didn’t realize how that projected outward, I needed to reconnect with myself. My decision to practice celibacy took a lot of stress and options off the table. I learned that if I didn’t know who I was from a partner perspective, I would never attract or create an atmosphere where a truly compatible partner could find me.

Year 2 & 3…

Exciting new things happened in my life during these two years. At this point in single motherhood I decided I was going to pursue entrepreneurship full-time which was a risky choice at the time. I landed a financially sound contract role where I made more money than I ever had, which busted a lot of myths that ran silently in the back of my mind around single motherhood.  Specifically from a partner perspective, the volatility of entrepreneurship yet earning well over six figures, I thought deeply about what I bring to the table financially and fine tuning my perspective on the importance of my future partners financial position. At this point, I still wasn’t dating, but my desire to date was growing with the absence of physical relationships occupying my mental real estate. I pushed myself to have the hard conversation on what I bring to the table so when I met someone I was already sure of myself, open, and present.

Year 4…

My kids were getting older, and hell so was I, hitting my late 30s brought a wave of new thoughts into the equation. Holy shit, I’m almost 40! How can I factor in dating when I can barely manage my kids' schedules? I can’t believe I’ve been celibate this long, does my vagina even work at this point? I’ve achieved so many milestones without a partner: bought a home, a car, landed a six-figure job, traveled, etc. As I worked through these thoughts, fears, and insecurities, I learned through the many challenges, I’d actually arrived very intentionally at where I set out to be in year 1. Here, probably at my highest level of self-awareness ever, I realized that without honoring my commitment to celibacy, there was no way I would have achieved what I had to date. Taking time to truly process after several failed relationships instead of doing what was familiar changed my life.

Year 5…

I’m a firm believer that change and growth are key components of strong partnerships. When I started my celibacy journey, I was firm: no sex until marriage. And while I remain celibate to this day, my journey of celibacy has taught me not to frame hard rules around my future partner. It’s made clear to me what I value, the atmosphere I create by showing up as my true self, and not to focus solely on finding a partner, because the magic happens when you find each other after genuinely finding yourselves. From there, what happens next can change, grow, and bloom into the partnership you both need. In year five and beyond, I’m optimistic and actually really excited to keep living as the story unfolds. I absolutely desire a partnership, but I’m in no rush.

While celibacy isn’t the best option for everyone, for those like me who’ve used it to arrive at truth and understanding of yourself, I think that’s pretty dope.

Are you practicing celibacy? Is there something you’d like to add to this conversation? Share your thoughts on this piece and what resonated with you most in the comments.

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